Conversations

If we couldn’t talk to each other, use actual words in full sentences, it would be so difficult to communicate our thoughts, desires, hopes, and our worries.  Yet it is those same words that can often, too often, get us into trouble.  It makes me ask the question, why do we want to communicate in the first place?  Better still, why does it matter so much that we get our thoughts, ideas, and concerns across to someone else

This coming week I have to have a couple of conversations with someone, conversations I am not at all looking forward to.  We all have people in our lives that we can say pretty much anything to and in spite of our thoughtlessness, rancor, and self-focus, they always seem to overlook our failings, hear what we meant not what we said, and hold fast to our relationship.  The person I have to converse with is not one of those people.

I will assume that you have been in this same situation yourself.  Someone who is close to you, they have been a part of your life from the beginning (literally), and interacting with them is not really an option.  The problem is their “send” button is stuck and to get them to “receive” seems an impossible task.  And it’s no good saying “so what if they get mad at me”; because you know if they do it will hurt.  But you know that this conversation must take place because…well wait a minute…does it have to or do I just want it to?

Why do I see the need, why do I “feel” the need to have this discussion with this particular person?  What motivates me, what do I hope to accomplish, and what is my desired outcome?  It seems that these are all important questions to ask before I even open my mouth.  Because I know my selfishly motivated heart and it likes to do things for self-seeking reasons, not necessarily for what is best or even right.  Paul Tripp said it best; “Your words are always in pursuit of some kind of kingdom” (Paul Tripp).  So I am either seeking to establish my own kingdom, my will, my way, or I am seeking the kingdom of God, His truth, His purpose, His plan.

All too often I am motivated to do something because of the way it makes me feel.  Something is bothering me and I want it to stop.  Or I have an issue “stuck in my craw” and I want something done about it.  What motivates me more often than I would like to admit is my own selfish desire to make me feel better and I am not thinking of the other person.  Or I am motivated to change them because they aren’t doing things the way I want them done.  If my motivation isn’t solely focused on the other person and what is best for them, then maybe I should be quiet.

In that same vein, too often what I hope to accomplish is to make myself feel better.  How sad is that?  If I don’t like the way I’m being treated, or the attitude someone has, or the emotions that are being stirred up, I want to accomplish a change.  That doesn’t sound so bad, but what about the other person?  If my hope of accomplishment is focused on me and is not other-centered then I have failed to follow God’s Word.  “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)   And I am seeking after the kingdom of me. 

When it is time to have “one of those” conversations with someone, the desired outcome for me is usually more about me than it is about them or our relationship.  Have you ever noticed that?  It becomes so much more about what I want to say, what they need to see, how slighted I have been, and my insatiable longing to give them my opinion.  Instead I should be thinking; do they need encouragement, comfort, hope, or direction?  Sometimes they do need rebuke and warning, or forgiveness and correction.  But the outcome must be to benefit the listener.

Can you hear me now?

In my upcoming conversation I am motivated by my love and concern for this other dear person.  They have some fears and misinformation that need to be addressed.  Not because it will make me feel better, but because my expectation is that it will help them.  I hope to accomplish restored trust and understanding, to put their mind at rest.  My desired outcome is more than just a better relationship, it is hopefully to help them see the LORD’s provision for them, helping them to grow and stretch their faith and trust in Him.

So I must focus on the best way to say what needs to be said.  Not just the content of what I will say, but the manner in how I speak it.  I am very good at saying the right things the wrong way!  I don’t want my talking to obstruct what needs to be done.  I know that my words must be shaped by their needs.  It won’t be easy, but so many important things never are.