Road Trip

It is time again to make the 6 hour trip to visit my mom.  It’ll be good to see her and it is something I should do, but I have a confession to make.  Something I haven’t told anyone (except my husband) until now.  I am a big fat “fraidy cat” and an extreme “homebody”.

Most of my adult life I have not lived near my parents or in-laws.  My husband and I, along with our daughter, would always make time each year to take the (usually days long) trip to visit our folks, of course that meant “Road Trip”, and it was fun.  Actually it was just part of our life’s routine. My husband did most of the driving and we would try to enjoy the journey, not just get there.  We never minded, it was an adventure we could share together, and being away from home isn’t all that bad when your family is with you.

7 years ago my mother fell and broke her leg, to be exact, she broke her femur.  So for the first time in my life I had to get in the car, alone, and drive, alone, to my parents’ house.  It was not easy.  This began the first of many trips, alone, to visit and help out my dad and mom, and now just my mom.

I can imagine many of you thinking, “What”?  “How bad can that be?  I drive by myself long distances all the time.”  Well I don’t, and I don’t like it.  One of the reasons, let me just say it…I hate driving the Interstate!  I never have.  Lest you are pondering my need for more experience and exposure, I used to drive the Beltway in DC, I have driven across the country more than once, I have driven all around San Antonio, population 2 million plus, and a host of other places of extreme traffic.  It isn’t practice and know-how that I need, it is your understanding.  I can drive the Interstate, I just don’t want to.

This is where the big fat “fraidy cat” comes into play.  I am not a physicist and I can’t explain a lot about physics, but I do know what can happen when vehicles collide at 65 – 70 miles an hour.  And I know that statically I am safer on the Interstate than 2 lane roads, but it just doesn’t feel that way.  So I have found a different way to go to my moms, a better way, and a more scenic route, which actually is the same distance, and can be quicker if there happens to be an accident or delay on the Interstate.  I arrive in a much better state of mind.

I’ve had to make this trip, alone, numerous times now.  The hardest was the day after my daddy died.  I know my husband wanted to come with me, but he couldn’t.  Our daughter was recovering from foot surgery and someone had to stay with her and I needed to be with my mom right away.  (My husband and daughter would join me in a few days.)  It was hard being alone with all the memories of my dad, thinking of all the things I wanted to tell him, struggling to see the road through my tears.  My precious husband had filled my Jeep with CD’s of beautiful music that he knew would ease my loneliness and sorrow.  Yes, it was hard, but I had to do it.

The other thing I don’t like… being alone, going by myself.  That part doesn’t bring out the “fraidy cat” in me but the “homebody” in me gets really put out.  I’m not one of those women that need a night out with the girls, or time away from husband and home.  I love my home, not the building, but the place, the thought of it, and I adore my husband.  Time spent away from either of them is not a good time.

But, this is something that must be done; it is part of my responsibility as a daughter, and as an example to my own daughter.  I will be off to spend the week with my mom, to show her I care, to serve her in whatever way she needs, and to remind her that she is truly loved.  I will desperately miss my husband, daughter, and home, and you won’t see me on the Interstate.  It will be good to see my mom and it will be wonderful to be back home soon.

Can't Afford It Anymore.

Okay, I don’t want to beat the proverbial dead horse to death, but I just don’t get it.  It didn’t use to be this way.  And although I am not that person who looks back at “the good old days” longingly, something is broken and needs to be fixed.

My Dad and his mom, my grandma.

My Dad was born just as “The Great Depression” began.  His dad, my grandpa, happened to be a mail carrier at the time, so life for them was not as hard as it was for many others.  But it was my grandparents that would help when those around them needed food, or clothes, or other life necessities.  There was no government program (at least not at first) to turn to, folks just stepped up and helped their neighbor however they could and our country survived.

My Dad was an Airman for the United States Air Force.  Just as is true today, the military did not pay their personnel, especially enlisted, very much (enough).  Until my Dad made Staff Sargent he did not make enough money to support a family of 5.  He did not want my Mother working outside the home, both of them believing that she needed to be there for my sisters and me.  Food stamps were available at the time, but not in the same form we see them today.  But even if they had been my parent would not have used them.  Instead, Daddy took a second job, at a gas station, on weekends and some evenings.  It was hard on him, probably my Mom too, but they managed.

 

Growing up we didn’t go on fancy vacations, cruises, beach houses, etc.  Our “vacations” consisted of driving to my grandparents’ house and staying for a few weeks.  My sisters and I didn’t know any different and we loved it!  I never had a closet full of clothes, but I had enough.  I usually had 2 pair of shoes for the year, one for play and school, the other for church, it was plenty.

My parent first home (today)

When my parent purchased their first home, it was a very modest home; nothing fancy, 3 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, eat-in kitchen, and a living room.  Eventually a “den” was added to the back of the house.  It was a home they could afford the payments on, afford the up-keep and utilities for, and they were proud of it.  The house my Mother lives in now, the last one she and my Dad bought (Daddy passed away 2 years ago), is also very modest.  It was a house they knew they could afford without stretching them beyond their means.

When my Dad had to be admitted to a nursing home, it was devastating, in more ways than one.  People tried to get my Mother to hide her assets, or suggested she divorce my Dad to separate their assets.  “Get Medicaid to pay for it” they said.  But Mom knew that would mean giving up all that the two of them had worked so hard for.  So she paid the $5000 monthly charge for almost 6 months, the fact that Mom even had enough to cover that expense is truly amazing, and evidence of God’s provision. It almost depleted her savings, but Daddy’s thoughtful life insurance policies help restore some of it.  Mom managed with no government help.

I know what it is like to have too much month left at the end of a paycheck.  For many years (to many to count) the only time my husband and I went out to dinner was when our parents took us, we could not afford it ourselves, I cooked, we ate at home, it was terrific.  We’ve never taken “real” vacations, although we did go to Yellowstone once, they just aren’t in the budget, be we do what we can find the money for.

When our daughter was diagnosed with a chronic liver disease, and especially after her transplant, many people told us to get her signed up for disability.  My husband and I thought about it (for about 2 seconds) and couldn’t do it.  We both said that as long as there was breath within us we would not ask someone else to take care of our responsibility.  We figured we could take in laundry if we had to.  And let me tell you, when the insurance premiums were over $600 a month and her medications were several thousand a month, we began to question ourselves (for about 2 seconds), but knew our trust had to be, not in a government program, but in the God we had always depended on.

What has happened?  Why have things shifted from one taking care of themselves and their responsibilities to expecting others to do it for them?  Look in the mirror; do you see that person staring back at you?  Next time you need something that should be the first person you look to for help.  If you are struggling to make ends meet, before you go off on who isn’t giving you enough, take a look at what you are spending money on, at the things you have come to “expect” that would be considered extravagant in many places, and first see what sacrifices you could make.  I know, it isn’t always fair, Joe Executive CEO is getting bonus money on top of his 6 figures and you are having trouble rubbing 2 pennies together, but no one ever said life was fair. 

I don’t long for “the good old days”, because I really like the modern conveniences of this day and time.  But take a look at your parents, your grandparents, see the example they were and maybe are.  Step up and willingly make some sacrifices to help yourself and others.  Can we stop depending on the government to be responsible for the things we should take responsibility for?  Whether we care to admit it or not, “their” money comes from each one of us, and I personally can’t afford it anymore.

Family Relationships; Who’s The Responsible One

Whether we like it or not, extended family and in-laws are part of our lives.  So having a good relationship with them is vital.  I tell women all the time, you didn’t just marry him, you married his whole family. Spending time with your husband’s family, or even your own extended family, can be full of blessings, but it can also be the source of a lot of stress.  Sometimes in-laws seem more like outlaws.

Some of us have an excellent relationship with our in-laws (okay maybe 3 of us), but I think for most of us, frustration, aggravation, hurt feelings, and just plain misunderstandings get in the way of having anything that even resembles a decent relationship.  We get stuck between the wanting to make things better and wanting to throw up our hands in defeat, stuck between the hope of the Norman Rockwell painting and the reality of our lives.

I have been married for 30 years and have known my husband and his family for 34 years.  I would love to tell you that given time, things will get easier, relationships with extended family will get better, but that is not true.  Time does nothing but compound unresolved problems.  It is like walking with a small stone in your shoe.  If you don’t stop walking, get the stone out before continuing, you are going to have pain, soreness, and maybe even a wound that leaves a scar.

So, let me share with you the top 10 things you can do to change your in-laws, making them better people so your life will be much better.  Number 1……...

Did you actually think I had 10 things?  The reality is there is nothing you can do to change anyone…besides you.  It is you that I will challenge you to work on and in doing so I can promise that it will make your relationship with your in-laws better, not perfect, but better.  By the way, it will also improve all of your relationships.

If there is anything I would like for you to know about me, it is that I try to live my life to honor God and follow His Word, the Bible.  The charge I give you here is from Scripture, but even if you are not familiar with God’s Word, or accept it, this can still be a valuable understanding, so stay with me.

We older women are told in Titus 2 to teach the younger women to be kind.  Kindness and goodness are two of the gifts of the Spirit for Christians, talked about in Galatians 5.  There is a difference between kindness and goodness.  Kindness is the sincere desire for the happiness of others, and goodness is the activity planned to advance their happiness.   We must practice kindness and goodness.  It will change our perspective, it will change our motivation, it will change our reaction to things and others, and it will change our behavior.

In order to practice this kindness and goodness we have to realize the things that hinder them.  The number one thing that hinders kindness and the plan for goodness is anger.  And this anger is not something external, it isn’t something that someone else causes (“she makes me so mad”), it comes from within.  When you are squeezed, what comes out is what is inside.  Anger is something we choose to do; therefore we can also choose not to be angry.  When we get angry it is almost always because we are not getting our way, things aren’t being done our way, or in our time frame.  We want our desires satisfied more than we want to honor God or to honor our husband and family.

Hindrance number two is bitterness.  This one is hard because everyone is going to wrong us, either in small ways or big way, because let’s face it, we are all sinners.  And in these moments when things are done and said that inflict pain, whether intended or not, we have to guard against bitterness.  We like to use words like “hurt feelings” but hurt feelings soon morph into bitterness.  We review the offense over and over in our minds, wallowing in self-pity, and telling ourselves we have a right to this bitterness.  Instead of dwelling on how we have been wronged, let’s extend the same grace and mercy we so readily expect from others and are do graciously given by God.

One more hindrance to our pursuit of kindness and goodness is judging.  That’s right, we pass judgment and make negative assumptions about others, often only to discover later how wrong we were.  It is so easy to see what is wrong with someone else, to notice their faults, and this is especially true of someone that we are already at odds with.  Why not think the best of someone else, assume there is a “good” reason for their behavior, even when we can’t see it right away. 

The truth is, if we want a better relationship with our in-laws (or our own extended family), if we want to know how to cope with the stress involved each time we are together with them, it is our own behavior that we should be working on and focusing on to change and improve.  Choosing not to be angry and being okay when we don’t get our way.  Understanding that people are going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and hurt us.  We get to make the choice not to be bitter, but to overlook the wrong and offer grace and mercy that we so desperately want.  And it is up to us to begin thinking the best of our mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, siblings, moms, dads, and all the other people that make up the world that is called “our family”.  You aren’t responsible for their behavior, but you are very much responsible for your own.

Lessons in Sorrow

It happened again and my heart is breaking.  Why can’t we seem to get this right?  Maybe it’s fear or our own un-comfortableness that drives our reactions.  It could just be our lack of knowledge and understanding.  I certainly don’t claim to have the best answer, but experience has been a good teacher.

I have friends and family that are going through various trials right now.  Most of these trials are brutal, hard, and very difficult to see beyond.  Other loved ones have been there in the past and suffered through.  One thing they all have in common is very real, very intense times of mourning.  Another thing they have in common it the responses and reactions given them by people who are supposed to (and I believe they do) care about them.  Responses like; “just trust the LORD”; “you should have more faith”; “remember, we are to rejoice always”; or even worse the person just walks away in judgment.  The sad thing is, it is mostly Christian people who seem to not understand that to mourn is a reasonable and appropriate response to most trials and is common to all humans.

I know that it is uncomfortable when you read posts from someone you care about, someone who says they are a Christian, and the posts are very dark and depressing, with seemingly no hope.  You do want to ask where their faith is and tell them to trust in God.  But sometimes we need to just sit in the ashes with them and keep silent.  Where is our trust that the only true and living God will get them through this?

I know a Christian lady, whose husband died, and she thought it was wrong and not God honoring to cry and be sad. To her is seemed more proper to put on a happy face and tell everyone she was doing fine.   Unfortunately she judged others by that same standard and couldn’t seem to see her own mourning that manifested itself in great fear.

Isn’t the guy who has just been diagnosed with cancer allowed to be sorrowful?  How about the couple who wants to have a baby but just found out it didn’t happen AGAIN, or the word miscarriage is too common in their vocabulary.  Can they not mourn that loss openly and still be trusting God? Someone had to put their precious pet to sleep and it hurts like the dickens.  What kind of people would they be if they didn’t cry.  The parents of a chronically ill child ride a rollercoaster of emotions and one that is predominate is mourning, mourning that doesn’t seem to end.  Trust me when I tell you they have no choice at times but to be sorrowful.  That makes all of them human, not weak in their faith.  Please try and understand them instead of judging them.

There are legitimate sorrows.   They are reasonable and even appropriate and don’t threaten God one bit.  To express these sorrows and cry over them somehow opens a sort of escape hatch that keeps our feeling from festering and poisoning our emotions for the rest of our lives.  It provides a way of healing kind of like washing a wound to keep it from getting infected.

There is an Arab proverb that says “All sunshine makes a desert”.  If your life has no troubles it is probably a pretty shallow life.  We learn far more from times of trouble and sorrow than when things are going well.  This is not my opinion it is truth.  James 1:2-4 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, (3) for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  (4) And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  Isn’t it possible to count it all joy and still be sad?  I know it is.  Joy comes deep from within, it is not superficial.

Robert Browning Hamilton expressed this truth in a poem:

I walked a mile with Pleasure,

  She chattered all the way

But left me none the wiser

  For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,

  And ne’er a word said she,

But, oh, the things I learned from her

  When Sorrow walked with me

What happened again, as I stated at the beginning, another friend who has been struggling with a trial has had people around her misunderstanding the importance, the need, the appropriateness, of sorrow and mourning.  No, we should not stay there, but that doesn’t mean we won’t end up there from time to time.  The worst thing we can do if our loved ones are there, is to judge them lacking, or sinful, or wrong.  Instead love them, encourage them with the truth, pray for them to leave the darkness for the light, and sit with them as they work through the lesson.

Arugula...My New Favorite!

I have fallen in love with arugula!  It happened in Charleston last December.  We stopped at A.W. Shuck’s for lunch and decided to start with their Arugula Salad.  It was made with fresh arugula, candy toasted pecans, blue cheese crumbs, and fig balsamic vinaigrette.  My husband and I were hooked.

I began to look for recipes to use arugula, that yummy, peppery, crisp, aromatic greenery, which seems to pair with so many things.  One of our favorite recipes is the arugula salad recipe below and it is so easy.  If I have leftover pasta (which is not typical at my house), I will warm it, drizzle with a little EVOO and mix it with a bunch of arugula.  What a tasty lunch!

Arugula has gotten more affordable (especially compare to lettuce these days) and is even available at Wal-Mart!  It has some protein, fiber, and very few calories.  It is not a lettuce it is an herb with a peppery mustard flavor. The smooth dark green spiky leaves resemble dandelion leaves.  Younger, smaller arugula is milder tasting and less bitter. Arugula has traditionally been used in Italian cuisines. It's gaining popularity as an ingredient in fresh salads, but is also good with cheeses, sandwiches (hamburgers too), chicken and tuna salads, egg dishes, pasta and tomato dishes, and sautéed vegetables.   (It is also called Rockette or Rocket in other countries)   

I just thought I would share a couple of recipes with you and encourage you to try it for yourself.  I was spectacle at first because I don’t usually like “peppery”, “mustardy” flavors, but there are often exceptions.  Enjoy!

 

Arugula Salad with Olive Oil, Lemon, and Parmesan Cheese (Recipe courtesy Tyler Florence)

Ingredients

• 2 bunches arugula, washed, dried, and torn
• 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/2 lemon, juiced
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• A chunk of Parmigiano-Reggiano

Directions

In a serving bowl, drizzle the arugula with the oil, squeeze in the lemon juice, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Toss until well mixed and taste for seasoning. Use a vegetable peeler to shave thin pieces of Parmigiano over the top. 

Bacon, Tomato, and Arugula Pizza

• YIELD: Serves 6 (serving size: 1 slice)
• TOTAL:40 Minutes
• COURSE: Main Dishes

Ingredients

• 1 pound refrigerated fresh pizza dough
• Cooking spray
• 5 applewood-smoked bacon slices
• 2 cups grape tomatoes, halved lengthwise
• 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• 1 tablespoon yellow cornmeal
• 1/2 cup lower-sodium marinara sauce (such as McCutcheon's)
• 3/4 cup (3 ounces) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
• 1 cup baby arugula
• 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 1/2 teaspoon white wine vinegar

Preparation

1. Preheat oven to 450°.

2. Place dough in a bowl coated with cooking spray; let dough stand, covered, for 15 minutes.

3. Cook bacon in a skillet over medium heat until crisp. Remove bacon; crumble. Add tomatoes and pepper to drippings in pan; cook 2 minutes, stirring occasionally.

4. Sprinkle a baking sheet with cornmeal; roll dough into a 12-inch circle on prepared baking sheet. Spread sauce evenly over dough, leaving a 1/2-inch border. Top with tomatoes and bacon. Sprinkle cheese over top. Bake at 450° on bottom oven rack for 17 minutes or until crust is golden. Combine arugula and remaining ingredients; top pizza with arugula mixture.