I know it sounds like a silly question; “How long is forever” but
I have found myself pondering it lately.
The easy answer is; “Well, it’s forever” or at least “It’s a very long
time”. The reason I ask this question is
because I believe we have no comprehension of how long forever is. And because we don’t live forever we probably
shouldn’t, but why do act as if we do?
We bought our house and moved in eight years ago. I remember saying to my husband, “I can live
here forever”. Well, in the perspective
of someone who grew up in the military and spent the first 20 years of her
married life also in the military, 8 years in one place is a very long time…almost
forever. The bloom has worn off my “new”
house, some repairs are needed, the carpet will need replacing soon, and I
could use more space in a few places and less when I am cleaning. There are changes I would really like to make
because it turns out it isn’t perfect and I have even found myself wondering,
just a tiny bit, if we should built a different house somewhere else.
I’m thinking about some couples I know who promised each other
that they will love them forever. And I
truly think they meant it when it was said, but apparently forever was much
shorter than I thought. Struggles come,
angry words are said, and it seems too hard to put forth the effort anymore. Maybe things haven’t turned out the way they
thought it would, changes are needed, and more space is required, because it
turns out that other person isn’t perfect.
So maybe it’s time to move on.
And often, oh too often, they do move on.
So let me use my house as the metaphor. We haven’t had the opportunity to own many
houses in our 31 years of marriage, moving all the time. The house we live in is only the third we
have “owned” (the bank really owned most of them) and it is the only new house
we have ever owned…no previous owners.
So really we didn’t date much, so to speak. The first time we looked at this house I knew
it was ours…I loved it. It seemed
perfect in every way and getting it purchased went smoothly. We were actually out of state for the closing
and had family handle that for us.
Moving day came! It was
stressful and crazy, but putting all of our stuff, things precious and dear to
us, in our new house felt so good. Then
we began to arrange things and decorate, buying window treatments and other
accessories to make our house a home. Of
course the “builders white” walls had to go in favor of some color. Pretty soon it wasn’t just a house it was our
home and we were happy.
As some improvements were made we began to see many…shall we say
blunders…that the builder made, but corrections were made (some big) and life
was good. But I began to see some
flaws. One room, our family room was
awkward to furnish. Our living room was
a bit small to fit the piano. The guest
room was almost too small for the bed.
Most of the house is carpeted and I like hardwood floors. I really like to cook and a gourmet kitchen
would really be nice. Oh no…is that a
crack in the foundation?
Gradually I began to realize that my perfect little house wasn’t
exactly perfect. So what do I do…what do we do? We could just put it on the market, sell it,
and move on. We could just walk away
from it and give our attention somewhere else.
How about if we just spend as
little time there as we can and try to ignore what is happening? I could go on but I think you get the
picture.
It seems to me this is how our world today is treating
marriage. We meet that right person and
they seem perfect. They meet all of our
needs, look pretty good on the outside, and we just know that we could live
with them forever. We agree to marry
them and tell them we will love them forever.
Things are wonderful at first, dare I say perfect. But
forever wasn’t as long as we first thought it would be.
He didn’t used to be that cranky, did he? Is she going to be this moody every
month? He used to be so spontaneous and would
often bring me flowers; now all I get is a burp…I guess a burp is spontaneous,
but not very romantic. She would dress
up for our dates, now it’s just sweat
pants and does she always have to smell like the baby? Does she always have to challenge me? Why does he always think I am stupid? He’s looking at other women…is our foundation
cracking? That isn’t the same body I
married!
Is the metaphor making sense?
I know that a house is not a marriage.
One is far more important than the other. But these days we seem so ready to give up on
something if it doesn’t seem to be meeting our needs. We aren’t willing to roll up our sleeves and
do the hard things to bring about change, or to shore up the foundation. We want to walk away, get a new one, or just
ignore things hoping it will all go away.
I still love my home. I
realize that it isn’t perfect. There are
settlement cracks in a few places, I have become content with the things I can’t
change and we are working on the things we can.
It will need some new paint soon, some pressure washing, some spackle,
and maybe even some hardwood floors eventually.
I am pretty sure I won’t be around forever, but I plan on being in this
house as long as I am able.
As for my marriage; it is a covenant before God. A promise made to Him and to my beloved. Difficult times have come and gone. A few things rocked our foundation but it
didn’t crack. We need some fixing up now
and then, but we will never be in the marked for a new one, nor will we ever
walk away. It is forever no matter how long that is.
