Conversations

If we couldn’t talk to each other, use actual words in full sentences, it would be so difficult to communicate our thoughts, desires, hopes, and our worries.  Yet it is those same words that can often, too often, get us into trouble.  It makes me ask the question, why do we want to communicate in the first place?  Better still, why does it matter so much that we get our thoughts, ideas, and concerns across to someone else

This coming week I have to have a couple of conversations with someone, conversations I am not at all looking forward to.  We all have people in our lives that we can say pretty much anything to and in spite of our thoughtlessness, rancor, and self-focus, they always seem to overlook our failings, hear what we meant not what we said, and hold fast to our relationship.  The person I have to converse with is not one of those people.

I will assume that you have been in this same situation yourself.  Someone who is close to you, they have been a part of your life from the beginning (literally), and interacting with them is not really an option.  The problem is their “send” button is stuck and to get them to “receive” seems an impossible task.  And it’s no good saying “so what if they get mad at me”; because you know if they do it will hurt.  But you know that this conversation must take place because…well wait a minute…does it have to or do I just want it to?

Why do I see the need, why do I “feel” the need to have this discussion with this particular person?  What motivates me, what do I hope to accomplish, and what is my desired outcome?  It seems that these are all important questions to ask before I even open my mouth.  Because I know my selfishly motivated heart and it likes to do things for self-seeking reasons, not necessarily for what is best or even right.  Paul Tripp said it best; “Your words are always in pursuit of some kind of kingdom” (Paul Tripp).  So I am either seeking to establish my own kingdom, my will, my way, or I am seeking the kingdom of God, His truth, His purpose, His plan.

All too often I am motivated to do something because of the way it makes me feel.  Something is bothering me and I want it to stop.  Or I have an issue “stuck in my craw” and I want something done about it.  What motivates me more often than I would like to admit is my own selfish desire to make me feel better and I am not thinking of the other person.  Or I am motivated to change them because they aren’t doing things the way I want them done.  If my motivation isn’t solely focused on the other person and what is best for them, then maybe I should be quiet.

In that same vein, too often what I hope to accomplish is to make myself feel better.  How sad is that?  If I don’t like the way I’m being treated, or the attitude someone has, or the emotions that are being stirred up, I want to accomplish a change.  That doesn’t sound so bad, but what about the other person?  If my hope of accomplishment is focused on me and is not other-centered then I have failed to follow God’s Word.  “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)   And I am seeking after the kingdom of me. 

When it is time to have “one of those” conversations with someone, the desired outcome for me is usually more about me than it is about them or our relationship.  Have you ever noticed that?  It becomes so much more about what I want to say, what they need to see, how slighted I have been, and my insatiable longing to give them my opinion.  Instead I should be thinking; do they need encouragement, comfort, hope, or direction?  Sometimes they do need rebuke and warning, or forgiveness and correction.  But the outcome must be to benefit the listener.

Can you hear me now?

In my upcoming conversation I am motivated by my love and concern for this other dear person.  They have some fears and misinformation that need to be addressed.  Not because it will make me feel better, but because my expectation is that it will help them.  I hope to accomplish restored trust and understanding, to put their mind at rest.  My desired outcome is more than just a better relationship, it is hopefully to help them see the LORD’s provision for them, helping them to grow and stretch their faith and trust in Him.

So I must focus on the best way to say what needs to be said.  Not just the content of what I will say, but the manner in how I speak it.  I am very good at saying the right things the wrong way!  I don’t want my talking to obstruct what needs to be done.  I know that my words must be shaped by their needs.  It won’t be easy, but so many important things never are.

Check Your Lust Factor

It was Sunday afternoon, our lunch guests had gone home, and we’d had a busy morning and early afternoon, so I thought I would turn on the TV and get some down time.  Surely there would be something to watch on one of those many channels we pay too much for.   I was wrong.  But I got stuck on a program called “Extreme Couponing”.  I had seen this show before and can’t for the life of me explain why I watched it again, even for a few minutes.

If you are an “extreme couponer” please don’t be offended, I am sure that I write out of ignorance.  I personally have trouble seeing the difference between the people featured in this particular show and those in the show by the same network called “Hording; Buried Alive”, except they are neater and more organized.  Don’t get me wrong, I am all for having a stock of food in case of emergencies.  My pantry shelves stay pretty full as do my freezers.  But if there is a crisis I am fairly sure 30 sticks of deodorant, 45 tubes of toothpaste, 60 bottles of dish-washing soap, and a myriad of other things like that won’t be what you need.   

Another thing that bothers me (trust me there is more) is that the time these people spend clipping, printing, dumpster diving for, and organizing there coupons in never counted.  Nor is the time spent shopping and in the check-out lines.  Time is worth something.  So when someone has purchased $600 worth of items and they say it only cost them $5 that is somewhat deceptive, because the time they spent beforehand has to be worth something.  At minimum wage, based on the time most of the coupon people stated they spent  getting the coupons and checking out, it has to cost them (in time spent) $200 - $300 a week.  The way my calculator works that isn’t free.

But unless you have been living under a rock, you are painfully aware of the economic situation, not only in our country, but across the globe.  As I am writing this the head line is; “Wall Street Takes Another Dive”.   My family has had to watch our money closely and I am sure yours has too.   I won’t even pretend that I have much of a clue here.  I have friends that do a much better job of budgeting (oh, there is the B word) and could give you much more significant advice in saving money and making the dollars stretch.  But I would like to share with you something that has helped me and my husband stay on track and within our means for a long time now.

Years ago, too many to count, my husband and I were struggling to make ends meet.  We had only one income (truly a blessing) and extras in life usually came at birthdays and Christmas from generous family members.  But there were times when we needed things and times when we just wanted something.  I don’t remember his exact words, but I remember one particular time of decision making my husband saying, “We have to keep our lust factor in check”.  He was meaning that we had to determine if we really needed something, or we just wanted it because either someone else had one (keeping up with the Jones’), or we were just desiring it for the gratification it would bring (short lived though it would be).  This little question, this secret (my word) has kept us from getting ourselves into financial trouble (and other kinds as well) for many years.

1999 Jeep Cherokee

We all need vehicles to drive right?  I had a friend tell me once; “I’m not like you, I can’t just drive any car, I need something nice”.    I really wasn’t offended because I know and love this friend dearly.  My Jeep Cherokee is over 12 years old and paid for.  I still consider it a “nice car” and only wish it got better gas mileage.  Yes, there have been times when I desired a newer car.  One with a navigation system standard, or air conditioned seats (yea they really make those), or any of the other “bells and whistles” cars come with.  But we have kept our lust factor in check and until my Jeep cost more to maintain than it is worth, I’m keeping it!

When it came time to purchase our home, we qualified for a much more expensive house than we bought.  In fact we didn’t even look at homes above a particular price range because I knew that it would be too difficult to keep my lust factor in check.  I have friends that live in beautiful homes that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.  When I go to visit it is hard not to be envious of the splendor that is their home.  When they have a 6 burner gas stove and a double oven it gets really hard for me to keep myself in check (I see my daughter rolling her eyes).  But my electric range works rather nicely and it will do just fine.

I have friends that always dress so nicely, always are put together with just the right touch.  I know that some of them are able to spend a lot of money on their clothes.  That is a weakness for me I must admit.  That is one of the hardest places to keep my lust factor in check.  I have learned to shop at online outlet stores and to buy things off season, but mostly I am learning that it is the inside that matters so much more than the outside.

And what is it about the newest technology that gets our lust factor going?  We buy a computer and it seems in 6 months it is practically obsolete, or we tell ourselves that.  It was just last year that the iPhone 4 came out and I hear they are about to launch the iPhone 5.  Was there anything wrong with the iPhone 4, or the iPhone 3 for that matter?  “But it does things the “OLDER” phone doesn’t do.”  Lust factor check; does it do everything we need it to do?  Do we really NEED the newer version, or is it just a want it?

If we are going to lust after something then let’s lust after contentment and satisfaction.  Let’s be happy with the provision we have and with where we are.  If there is something you and your family are looking to buy, first ask yourselves if you really need it.  If you do need it then try and get the basic necessities, not having to pay for extras you don’t need.  But before you do any of that, check your lust factor and see if you just want it or you really need it.  Talk about your money saver…among other things!  Now my husband and I find ourselves telling each other (and ourselves), “check your lust factor”.

Why Do We Question Them?

Why do we do it?  Ladies, why do we find it so necessary to question our husbands, or the men in our lives?  I have been married 30 years and can’t remember one time when I was driving, with my husband as a passenger, (granted I don’t do that very often)and had him ask me, “why are we going this way?”  Nor have I ever heard him utter the words, “this way takes longer you know”.  I can pretty much guarantee that the times I have done the above mentioned are too numerous to list.

As I have stated here before, and intend to again every chance I get, I married the most wise and godly man I have ever known.  Actually you can make that wisest and most godly person.  He has never given me a reason to doubt his ability, his intelligence, his desire to serve and protect our family, or his willingness to stand for truth no matter the cost.  Yet too many times I hear myself questioning him, asking “are you sure”, or telegraphing in my subtle way the concern for what people will think.  Never thinking about what this questioning does to him and having no concern what its effect will be.  After all, “I’m just asking a question”. 

Now I have to stop and ask myself a question.  Why?  Because you see I have lived long enough and been married long enough to know how destructive this questioning attitude can be.  Yes, I know, we (women) think and have convinced ourselves that we are just asking a simple question.  We tell ourselves that we are just trying to get all the information needed, but if we are honest we will admit that is not exactly truthful.  All too often there are ulterior motives in play and sometimes we aren’t as aware of them as we need to be.

Let me address the “why” for a moment, not comprehensively, but at least a couple of reasons that I see in my own life.  Often when I ask my husband, “are you sure” (in whatever form that is stated) it is because I am scared.  All of the “what ifs” that could possibly come into play go through my mind and I am afraid he hasn’t thought them all through.  But to be brutally honest with myself (and you) I have to admit that all too often I question because I am not in control and I want to be.  Ouch!  For someone who prides herself on being submissive to her husband (and that is my desire) that is a hard thing to confess.  It is easy to sit back and let someone lead when they are thinking and moving in the direction you are and want to.  It is another thing altogether when those paths diverse no matter how subtlety.

Here is the danger.  Men are not like women.  Okay that is an obvious statement, but let me explain in the context of my point.  We women gather together and we question each other.  “How did this work for you” or “my child is doing this or that…any suggestions?”  It is almost an art form watching women interact.   We question one another, we banter about ideas, and we share our struggles and expect support and comfort from the other women in our circle of friends.  We grow up observing this and honing our own skills.  It is part of who we are and, dare I say, the way God designed us.  But ladies, men were not designed this way and I for one am grateful yet understand that to treat them as if they were is wrong, dangerous, and very self-centered on our part.

I don’t begin to totally understand this, but I have learned much from my own blunders and desire for control.  When you question a man and especially when you question your man, it is so much more than just asking a question.  They are leading, they are standing there in front, open to criticism, risk, and the hardest thing of all to them, failure.  When we say, “sweetie, are you sure”, what they hear is, “I don’t trust you”, I’m not sure you are doing your job right”, and even “are you really that stupid?”  Do you see the difference?  Do you see the danger?  It might appear to you to be a small, insignificant, and innocent question.  To your dearest one it is lack of respect, lack of trust, and they can even believe they have failed in your eyes.  To not have the respect, trust, and confidence of the one person you want it from the most, is devastating.  It can immobilize our men.  That cannot be what you wanted or intended.

There has to be a better way, a more effective way to get an understanding of what you husband is thinking, his ideas and thoughts, without tearing him apart.  Maybe it would be helpful to first check our motives before we say anything.  Are we acting out of fear, or is the desire to control the situation our greatest motivator?  We must try and remember that words mean something and chose ours carefully, not throw them out with little thought to how they will be interpreted.  We have to remember that men are not women (thank you LORD) and not treat our men as if they were.

I am still learning this lesson.  I fail miserably all too often, but the grace and mercy that comes so easily from my husband is always there.  A wonderful reflection of the mercy and grace the LORD is so quick to give.  I am Eve’s daughter in will sometimes, but my hope of change rest with Him who gave me life!

Cooking For Pleasure!

A friend of mine who writes an excellent blog; http://ourextraordinarylife.wordpress.com/ does something pretty cool that she calls “Thrifty Thursday”.  On Thursdays she posts a recipe, a money saving recipe, that she and her family have enjoyed (well, sometimes its most of her family).  It got me to thinking how much fun it would be, and hopefully helpful, to occasionally post some of my favorite recipes.  That’s the plan, but before I do that I want to “talk” a little bit about this whole cooking thing.

My mom was/is a great cook but she had a few choice meals that she would make over and over again without much variance.  Part of that was due to her lack of desire to be adventurous and partly because of the cost of feeding a family of 5. I did a little cooking as I grew up, but it was not until I left home that I realized my love (okay, extreme desire) for cooking.  The first time I made yeast bread and tasted its warm, soft, fragrant yumminess right out of the oven (something you shouldn’t do…let it cool a little) I was hooked.  The absolute delight of tasting fresh ingredients, brought together in a way that you can never get from a box, was like Dorothy stepping from her Kansas farm house into Oz.

Some people cook because they have to, some because they want to, and I even know people that don’t cook at all.  I figure if it’s working for you that’s great.  But there is a difference between cooking because we need to eat and cooking to enjoy the magnificent color, enticing aroma, and explosion of manifold layers of flavor that is, or should be, cooking.

So before I share recipes with you let me give you a small list of thing that I have found to be essential to have in my pantry.  This could be helpful if your desire is to make cooking more than just a chore, or something that you need to do.  The emphasis is on small list because half the fun is finding out for yourself what you and your family like, besides, you might not enjoy the same style or flavors as I do.

I always make sure I have some really good extra virgin olive oil (EVOO).  Yes, this is on the expensive side, but worth every drop.  Save money somewhere else if you have to.  The EVOO should be from the “First cold pressing”.  If the label doesn’t say that, it isn’t.  Along with the EVOO, make sure you always have some really good Parmesan cheese, not the stuff in the green can.

Have fresh garlic and herbs on hand.  It isn’t hard to grow your own herbs in a pot, in your kitchen.  Dried herbs are great too and will do just fine when you can’t get (or afford) the fresh ones.   Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper are a must.   Having a variety of nuts (and I don’t mean family members) around is not a bad idea.  You can and should store them in air tight containers.

Fresh lemons are another very important ingredient to have on hand.  “Cook’s Illustrated” magazine did a test a few years ago about storage of fresh lemons.  They determined that if you keep them in a plastic bag, as air tight as possible, in your crisper, they will stay fresh longer.  I know mine do and I buy a lot of lemons.

Lastly for today, make sure you have some really good pasta, several varieties, like spaghetti, penne, orzo, fusilli, and pappardelle.  And I am going to be firm about this, it does matter what brand of pasta you buy.  I buy Barilla or sometimes Dicicco.  Just like the EVOO, these are a little more expensive than other brands, but oh they are so worth it.

Okay here is one of my and my family’s favorite recipes.  We’ll “talk” more food again sometime.

Three Garlic Pasta

Ingredients:

• 1 head garlic
• 8 garlic cloves
• 1 lb spaghetti
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 3/4 cup dry white wine
• 1 cup loosely packed fresh flat-leaf parsley, roughly chopped
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• salt & freshly ground black pepper
• parmesan cheese, for grating

Preparation of Three Garlic Pasta:

1. Preheat oven to 425°. Wrap garlic head in foil, or place in garlic roaster; roast until soft and golden, about 1 hour.
2. Let cool, trim tip of head; squeeze out cloves, using back of knife. Transfer to small bowl; set aside.
3. Cook pasta until al dente. Drain, and run under cold water to stop cooking.
4. Thinly slice five cloves of unroasted garlic. Finely chop remaining three cloves. Heat oil over medium heat in large skillet. Add sliced garlic; toast until golden and crisp.
5. Remove garlic with slotted spoon; set aside.
6. Add chopped garlic; sauté until translucent, about 1 1/2 minutes. Add roasted garlic and white wine; let simmer about 3 minutes. Add pasta, parsley, red pepper, and salt and pepper to taste; toss.
7. Serve sprinkled with toasted garlic slivers. Grate Parmesan over each serving.