Why do we do it? Ladies, why do we find it so necessary to question our husbands, or the men in our lives? I have been married 30 years and can’t remember one time when I was driving, with my husband as a passenger, (granted I don’t do that very often)and had him ask me, “why are we going this way?” Nor have I ever heard him utter the words, “this way takes longer you know”. I can pretty much guarantee that the times I have done the above mentioned are too numerous to list.
As I have stated here before, and intend to again every chance I get, I married the most wise and godly man I have ever known. Actually you can make that wisest and most godly person. He has never given me a reason to doubt his ability, his intelligence, his desire to serve and protect our family, or his willingness to stand for truth no matter the cost. Yet too many times I hear myself questioning him, asking “are you sure”, or telegraphing in my subtle way the concern for what people will think. Never thinking about what this questioning does to him and having no concern what its effect will be. After all, “I’m just asking a question”.
Now I have to stop and ask myself a question. Why? Because you see I have lived long enough and been married long enough to know how destructive this questioning attitude can be. Yes, I know, we (women) think and have convinced ourselves that we are just asking a simple question. We tell ourselves that we are just trying to get all the information needed, but if we are honest we will admit that is not exactly truthful. All too often there are ulterior motives in play and sometimes we aren’t as aware of them as we need to be.
Let me address the “why” for a moment, not comprehensively, but at least a couple of reasons that I see in my own life. Often when I ask my husband, “are you sure” (in whatever form that is stated) it is because I am scared. All of the “what ifs” that could possibly come into play go through my mind and I am afraid he hasn’t thought them all through. But to be brutally honest with myself (and you) I have to admit that all too often I question because I am not in control and I want to be. Ouch! For someone who prides herself on being submissive to her husband (and that is my desire) that is a hard thing to confess. It is easy to sit back and let someone lead when they are thinking and moving in the direction you are and want to. It is another thing altogether when those paths diverse no matter how subtlety.
Here is the danger. Men are not like women. Okay that is an obvious statement, but let me explain in the context of my point. We women gather together and we question each other. “How did this work for you” or “my child is doing this or that…any suggestions?” It is almost an art form watching women interact. We question one another, we banter about ideas, and we share our struggles and expect support and comfort from the other women in our circle of friends. We grow up observing this and honing our own skills. It is part of who we are and, dare I say, the way God designed us. But ladies, men were not designed this way and I for one am grateful yet understand that to treat them as if they were is wrong, dangerous, and very self-centered on our part.
I don’t begin to totally understand this, but I have learned much from my own blunders and desire for control. When you question a man and especially when you question your man, it is so much more than just asking a question. They are leading, they are standing there in front, open to criticism, risk, and the hardest thing of all to them, failure. When we say, “sweetie, are you sure”, what they hear is, “I don’t trust you”, I’m not sure you are doing your job right”, and even “are you really that stupid?” Do you see the difference? Do you see the danger? It might appear to you to be a small, insignificant, and innocent question. To your dearest one it is lack of respect, lack of trust, and they can even believe they have failed in your eyes. To not have the respect, trust, and confidence of the one person you want it from the most, is devastating. It can immobilize our men. That cannot be what you wanted or intended.
There has to be a better way, a more effective way to get an understanding of what you husband is thinking, his ideas and thoughts, without tearing him apart. Maybe it would be helpful to first check our motives before we say anything. Are we acting out of fear, or is the desire to control the situation our greatest motivator? We must try and remember that words mean something and chose ours carefully, not throw them out with little thought to how they will be interpreted. We have to remember that men are not women (thank you LORD) and not treat our men as if they were.
I am still learning this lesson. I fail miserably all too often, but the grace and mercy that comes so easily from my husband is always there. A wonderful reflection of the mercy and grace the LORD is so quick to give. I am Eve’s daughter in will sometimes, but my hope of change rest with Him who gave me life!
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